I’m laying in bed the sun streaming through the window lighting up my face begging me to rise. I know the time, instinctually ,it’s almost time to roll off the bed to start work. No need to travel far, the desk I bought right before COVID started, is two complete body rolls from where I lay and two shuffles. I will miss this, the introvert in me has been longing to stay home and work, because I won’t say I don’t like people, I just self generate my own happiness and energy and people tend to want to drain mine. For almost two years I’ve been like healing and harnessing my own energy . Oh, the return to the office, why does it make my heart so heavy, why is it dredging up so much melancholy for me.

It’s like I’ve been reading tea leaves all this time. I took a two week vacation from work because I needed to clear my mind and find my center. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and sat and did nothing other times, because my mind just needed to not do anything. I felt like if I didn’t turn it off it was going to explode, and I refused to let the little voice of guilt make me feel some kind of way because I choose to save myself instead of waiting until I was broken. Have you ever had a computer crash on you because it was taxed too much, well I didn’t want that for myself. Just like when I bought the desk and put it up for no apparent reason, and then COVID happened, same with the vacation, now I have to return to the office. I was feeling it in my bones, and I’m not sure if I manifested the return or it was just what was supposed to happen. I guess my higher self was preparing me for this transition back.

The tears welled in my eyes, and when it could no longer hold, the warm streams of my emotions pooled on my desk. Why is the news of returning to the office rocking me to the core? I know, no I don’t know why if everything was functioning why the attempt to force the return to a normal that was not the best for everyone. I have enjoyed being able to do my laundry, cook, clean and be in my lounge pants while completing my work. Work make the heart merry, I think they forgot to say work at home. I don’t want to go back to the point of exhaustion where I could barely keep a conversations with my loved ones.

Fuck! I have to get work clothes, and start wearing deodorant again. I wonder how many women lessened their chances of breast cancer, by not wearing bras and deodorant as much, I have no proof these cause breast cancer just my own thoughts. I was finally not feeling as financially taxed because I was only buying what I needed and not buy things to try to make me happy, because I wasn’t satisfied with how work was going. The work life balance was lacking, but while at home even if the money wasn’t enough, other things home made you happy.

I had found peace and contentment at home. I took my time to cook meals, you could taste the love in it. It wasn’t rushed after an hour ride in a packed subway car, a packed bus with shoes that gave up 5 hours before. Oh, I can’t imagine being back on the subway with sticky poles, and people who are way too close for comfort again who will be sneezing and coughing especially now that fall and winter are approaching. Fucking yuck!(I curse, not as much as I use to, but I read somewhere really intelligent people tend to curse more, I’m not going to provide the article, we all have google)

I don’t want to have small talk anymore, just send an email. It was so efficient, especially me with my ADHD mind. I don’t have to try to remember what was said, I had an email to reference. My executive functioning sucked, hence why I can’t make it to work on time, now I could while I was home. I got to take a break and pet the dog, and then refocus myself, because no one is looking at me asking me what I’m doing every moment. Ha Ha here comes the day dreaming again, it’s really escapism. I worked passed my scheduled time because sometimes there are moments of hyper focus and I can get a whole weeks work done in a day. My ADHD only gets worse when I’m exhausted. I’m really having a hard time with this.

The meetings, now I can’t roll my eyes, or make a sandwich while the screen is off and the mic is on mute. I may have to actually keep a smile on my face, resting bitch face was the norm, I slowed down the wrinkling. I have to go back to in audible sighs, and I have to remember not to flip anybody the bird and say what the fuck out loud anymore. No pent up stress, no need for passive aggressiveness, no need for the pomp and circumstance because I was home. Shit, I’ve become feral, I’ve become a wild woman and I finally understand why the caged animals die.

I’m going to find the silver lining in this, because my attitude towards this change will determine my happiness and life is too short not to make happiness the highest priority. So I’m going cry some more, maybe I’m emotional because of my period and the full moon are looming, tomorrow will be different it will be better.